buds truck Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 I'm not a bull, she uddered what do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plymouthy Adams Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 Why are there brail buttons at the Bank drive in window? good question..why is there a ball wash on the lady's T-box Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allan Faust Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 New books on the market; Russian Castrators in History by I. Kutchakokoff 3 days to the outhouse by Willie Makit (sequel by Betty Wont) Open Kimono by Seymour Hair Allan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Mulders Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 thanks guys! Some great ones ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dennis_MN Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 [quote=buds truck; what do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene And the Japanese call her Irene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny S Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point? The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. And one reflecting my Iowa heritage: He rose through the ranks of the International Corn Growers association, eventually becoming a kernel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Elder Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Johnny Carson's pencils were made for him special with 2 erasers, so he could bounce them as he talked to his guests and not mark up his desk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobertKB Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Another good book - The Rooster's Mistake by Rhoda Duck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1947PLEVY Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Yellow River.. By I.P. Freely Antlers in the treetops... By Who Goosed "The Moose" Black Ice... By I.C. Rhodes Spots on the Wall... By Who Flung Dung I'm So Confused....By Miss Understanding Miles and Miles of Little Brown Piles....By Squat and Lettum :D :D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JIPJOBXX Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 And then there was the moron who heard the drinks were on the house so he brought his ladder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueskies Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Reminds me of the two bald guys that put their heads together, and made an a$$ of themselves... Pete Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buds truck Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 "there's A Full Moon Tonite" By Semore Butz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Reddie Posted October 21, 2008 Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 Confusius say: Tack in chair - OW! Screw in bed - WOW! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1947PLEVY Posted October 21, 2008 Report Share Posted October 21, 2008 Did you hear about the two balloons smoking dope...They got busted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Coatney Posted February 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof." If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs. Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers? Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niel Hoback Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 Two dyslexics walked into a bra. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flatie46 Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 What do ya call a pit bull with steel balls and no back legs.... sparky! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldguy48 Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 What's the difference between an oral thermometer,and a rectal thermometer?........The taste:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E.L Lane's 48 Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 Sign at parental planning/birth control clinic. "Use rear entrance" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aero3113 Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 You guys ever smell moth balls?????? How do you get their legs apart? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleman Posted February 4, 2009 Report Share Posted February 4, 2009 Gosh, I knew that KY was iced in without power, but didn't realize there were so many of you snowed in, not being able to drive or work on your car. No joke. AL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dennis_MN Posted February 4, 2009 Report Share Posted February 4, 2009 So why does a dog lick his balls Because he can Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niel Hoback Posted February 4, 2009 Report Share Posted February 4, 2009 My brother-in-laws name is Chuck. He has a bad leg. I call him lean chuck. When he fell down, we called him ground chuck. His son Jim is a pilot for Southwest. When he takes his dad up, he calls him upchuck. We had a good laugh. He didn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Jordan Posted February 4, 2009 Report Share Posted February 4, 2009 Did you hear about the two maggots that were fighting in dead Earnest? I wrote a song: "I used to kiss her lips - but now it's all over" His karma just ran over my dogma. (I do this in my English class to show the power of punctuation) You can change the meaning of the sentence: Woman without her man is nothing. by putting a comma after 'woman' and 'her'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodney Bullock Posted February 4, 2009 Report Share Posted February 4, 2009 Wow, not much going on:) ok I will play along Why do you wash your cloths in tide....cause it's to cold outside:rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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