Dear Abbey,OT.

[Frank Elder]

Why car guys don't write advice columns:D

Dear Don C.,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes! He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We hve been married for ten years...When I confronted him, he broke down and confessed to a that they had been havin an affair for the past 4 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job 6 months ago and say's he has been feeling depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but since I gave him the ultimatum he has been increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila.

***********************************************

Dear Sheila,

I'm sure you checked the gas gauge, didn't you, so we'll move on.

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold for good connections or splits. Also check all your grounding wires too, make sure they are tight.

If none of there approachessolves the problem, it could be the fuel pump itself needs replacing.

I hope this helps,

Don C.

PS., Was she hot,not the car..the girl, and do you have pictures:D

[Don Coatney]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[dezeldoc]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Now that is a good one!!

[Andydodge]

What colour was the paint?..............lol

[Plymouthy Adams]

lets hope it was KILTZ..it covers a world of sin...

[Fluid drive]

Oh funny!!! I am going to have to send those on.

Here's another one.

There was a very old man sitting on a curb crying uncontrollably when a new rookie cop walked by. Moved by compassion the young cop sat down next to the old man , put his arm around his shoulder and said,"what's wrong pop"

Through the sobs the old man said " I'm 97 years old , have more money than I can ever spend, a 200 room sprawling mansion, servants that take care of my every need , a fleet of limosines, a priate jet and the most beautiful 30 year old blond wife in the world that adores me" Then the cop asked again "well what has you so upset ? " The old man responded " I can't remember where I live"

[claybill]

IT WAS A DREARY and rainy morning when the husband woke up and kissed his wife goodbye and went to the garage, start the car, to go to work..being outside the rain was terible with thunder and lightning...changing his mind he moved the car back into the garage and returned to the house, shuffled into bed beside his wife and mumbles,."..man it is raining terribly"...without looking up the wife replies......" yes, and my husband went to work in it!"

bill

[Tim Frank]

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign

in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I

was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and

they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the

United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in

rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be

eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running,

but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up

for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near

suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he lies. He wasn't in the Marines...he was in the Navy!"

[billwillard]

John and Mary were in the nut house. One day while swimming John went to the bottom and didn't come up. Mary dove down brought John up. The next morning they told Mary they had some good news and some bad news for her. The good news is after you had the good sence to get John from the bottom of the pool we think you are well enough to leave here so you can leave today. The bad news is poor John hung himself last night. Mary replyed OH he didn't hang himself I hung him up to dry.

Bill

[Young Ed]

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the

subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the

subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of

Hillary Clinton.

[Plymouthy Adams]

Story of my life………

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a

girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was

no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a

zest for life.In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she

was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a

drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I

decided I needed a girl with stability.When I was 25, I

found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally

predictable and never got excited about anything. Life

became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some

excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I

couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to

another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous

things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was

great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.When I

turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet

planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so

ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.I

am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big

breasts.

[Don Coatney]

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21 . Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?