Britain is Repossessing the USA‏

[PatS....]

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the

USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over

all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not

fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America

without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are

introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,

and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

(Look up 'vocabulary.')

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such

as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your

behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the

reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your

original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that

you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not

grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to

carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own

good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric

with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both

roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of

humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling

gasoline)-roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are

not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are

properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and

dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at

all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and

European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest

sporting Nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They are also

part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English

characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral

was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper

football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be

allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but

does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full

kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South

Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of

America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your

borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let

you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due

(backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with

high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

[Norm's Coupe]

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with

high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

I have a problem with all that right from the start. Don't want cookies and cakes with my tea. Must be Crumpets.

[greg g]

A moment of your time for due consideration please.

You mean we have to replace Manical leadership with Monarchical leadership, but not replace ineffectual. That isn't bloody right.

Also we can't pay for the upkeep of the royal family and the war for oil as well.

You'll need to pawn some of those Royal Jewels, remember you are assuming the current defficit as well as any assets.

But at least we get healthcare and better beer in the deal.

Not sure about bangers and mash though and I for one am thoroughly put off by Kidney Pie.

[Heavy Flat Head]

American cars, those are fighting words.

Hay I can be taken for a lot of things, but having a English car (MG Triumph) is not one of them. Who has ever met a Engllish car that would run longer than twenty minutes?

Mopar or Nocar.

Ed:cool:

[Young Ed]

Notice it says German cars not British. Apparently they aren't too thrilled with their cars either.

[Uncle-Pekka]

A Message from John Cleese

...

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at

all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and

European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

Well, I could not disagree with Sir John, can I?

You had this coming for long time, didn't you?

Fair enough...

[PatS....]

That's why the British don't make computers. They can't figure out a way to make them leak oil!!!

[martybose]

Notice it says German cars not British. Apparently they aren't too thrilled with their cars either.

Maybe it's because the best British car is made by the Germans (Mini)!

Marty

[David Maxwell]

...as evidenced by this video on Youtube:

Don't fear! That's not a sign of intellectual retardation. Their higher level of speaking skill is clearly explained in this next video on Youtube albeit by an inferior American scholar:

[Niel Hoback]

I guess this means we will no longer have dental work.

[Guest rockabillybassman]

It all seems perfectly fine to me, except for the bit about banning American cars, and calling them crap. I've driven a few Mercedes and BMWs, and while German cars excel at handling, general comfort and performance, they are about as interesting as a bus ticket. No soul.

Oh yeah... and the bit about American football players being nancies for wearing body armour... well, rugby has the same bone-crunching contact and rugby players dont wear any of that stuff.... maybe he's got a point?

[John Mulders]

just got to love John Cleese humor.

He is the best and has proven for many years.

Problem is that a lot of Brits may think he is right.....

Anyway, tried to explain to some English friends that we drive on the right side. So if they drive on the other side it must be wrong....

Also, noticed he did not mention Brittish women.....been in England, understand why !

John

[toddbracik]

I could use a good "English bitter" from time to time while working without power tools in the garage. I have my stash of Slovenian pivo but I have to go to Cincinnati or Chicago to get it. Typically Indy is more interested in beers with the word "Lite" attached. It is getting better though. While we were working on the brakes of the d24 last fall, Mr. Vanbuskirk happened to mention a screw up at a local supermarket where they were selling the Goose Island 312 12 pack for 6.99. Goose Island, the Chicago brewery sells the 312 which is an urban wheat, American pale wheat ale. While it's not an IPA, it does have a nice tinge of bitterness. It became extra special good when the 12 was going for the same price as the six pack. That goof up lasted for about a month. We were able to stock up on some GOOD cheap beer. Of course Bob told me after he had stocked up but I would have done the same thing.

Todd Bracik

[greg g]

Bob does seem to have a finger on the pulse of the brewers produce in the upper midwest. When we visited, we took a trip in his Woody to a distirbutor over by the rail yards that had an impressive array of brews. He steered me to a selection of a regional brewer that we took on our trip to yellowstone.

On our return we stopped at the SPAM Museum and later in the day had a grilled Spam and chees sandwich with a nice cold medium dark beer.

It seems hunting and gathering beer deals is another of his hobbies.

[Young Ed]

Greg you must have stopped in MN then. Our POC is planning a trip to the spam museum and surrounding area for this summer.