this says it all (OT)

[blueskies]

I owe you one Pete:eek:

Couldn't resist Don, even though I knew it would unleash the Coatney race rivalry LOL...

My wife thought it was funny though.

Pete

[Jim Saraceno]

In construction we have a saying that applies to all the tools and what they may be for:

"If you want to be part of the theater, you've got to have all the props!"

[Merle Coggins]

After reading about what the level was for, I remembered an email that I got a few days ago.

Read and enjoy.

COMMON TOOLS AND THEIR USE:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, "Oh sh--...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction

of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

15/16 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle

firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward

off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel debris.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known

drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any

possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most

shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called

a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"

which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,

its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same

rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few

hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name

is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on

your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

FLAT-HEAD SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Often used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,

and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug

nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make

gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

POCKET KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents within cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as car seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially

useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,

the next tool that you will need.

MICROMETER...A precision tool made for measuring objects in increments

of one thousand of an inch. In emergency situations it can double as a

"C" clamp.

CRESCENT WRENCH: Adjustable wrench used in place of proper tool.

Generally rounds off bolts slower than pliers, but with same effect.

Also used as hammering device, usually on concrete followed by loud

cursing.