Tool Definitions Way off topic

[Dennis_MN]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner , where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,

''What the....??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used a lmost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the

wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after

you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible

future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash

can after you cut on the inside edge of the lin e instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your

shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips

screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket

you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on

boxes and thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for

slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the

next tool that you will need.

[Norm's Coupe]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner , where nothing could get to it.

Or it becomes a weapon when you forget to tighten the drill bit into the chuck. Then the drill bit flies out of the chuck when you turn on the drill, hits your safety glasses and also puts a nice gash in the bridge of your nose at the same time.

[Merle Coggins]

Or it becomes a weapon when you forget to tighten the drill bit into the chuck. Then the drill bit flies out of the chuck when you turn on the drill' date=' hits your safety glasses and also puts a nice gash in the bridge of your nose at the same time.[/quote']

That sounds like experience talking, Norm.

I've seen these many times, and I chuckle every time.

[Norm's Coupe]

That sounds like experience talking, Norm.

I've seen these many times, and I chuckle every time.

Yep, that was first hand experience talking. Was also an old drill press. Got so mad at it, I sold it and bought a new one.

[IanT_Qld]

Got so mad at it' date=' [/quote'] it became a DAMMIT TOOL:D