Ot-berserko's mechanic's tool guide-ot

[41/53dodges]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object

we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes

containing such item as; leather seats, motorcycle jackets, plastic oil

cans.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling

mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear

wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your

future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they

can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a

brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or socket

you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal

bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings

your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part

you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL BRUSH: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls

and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,

"Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have

installed new front disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under

the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a

hydraulic jack.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic

floor jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is

ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to

disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without

the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from

a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your

battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop

light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is

not otherwise found under automobiles at night. Health benefits aside, its

main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that

105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the

Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat

misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as

the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power

plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by

hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last

tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket

you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses ¼ inch too short.

[40plyrod]

Thanks for that when I go out to the shop today to help my neighbor with his car I won't be able to stop laughing.