Tim Frank Posted February 4, 2009 Report Share Posted February 4, 2009 The difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson.... Neil Armstrong is the first man to walk on the Moon ....Michael Jackson....is a pedophile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Young Ed Posted February 4, 2009 Report Share Posted February 4, 2009 1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't . 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9. I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25. A picture is worth a thousand words, But it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, A lifetime commitment for a pig. 27. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg g Posted February 5, 2009 Report Share Posted February 5, 2009 whadaya call a guy with several rabbits in his pants???? Warren. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arthur1947 Posted February 5, 2009 Report Share Posted February 5, 2009 Diarrhea is hereditary......it runs in the genes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niel Hoback Posted February 6, 2009 Report Share Posted February 6, 2009 Greg, were you watching Craig Ferguson last night? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg g Posted February 6, 2009 Report Share Posted February 6, 2009 I deny it you cheeky monkey Bahstahrd. No one else posted atribution, am I to be held to a different standard??? Funny is funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niel Hoback Posted February 6, 2009 Report Share Posted February 6, 2009 Great minds think alike. Funny is where you find it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg g Posted February 6, 2009 Report Share Posted February 6, 2009 You know the flipside of the Great Minds line???? Fools seldom disagree!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
P15Mike Posted February 6, 2009 Report Share Posted February 6, 2009 not a one-liner but... An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arthur1947 Posted February 10, 2009 Report Share Posted February 10, 2009 He who farts in church sit in his own pew. He who stands on toilet is hight on pot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinlizzy Posted February 10, 2009 Report Share Posted February 10, 2009 Did you hear about the queer termite? He only ate mail boxes. What did the Indian say when his dog fell over the cliff? Dog gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobT-47P15 Posted February 10, 2009 Report Share Posted February 10, 2009 Don----I liked the first ones better than the last big batch. "Under The Bleachers" by Seymour Butts. "Trail in the Sand" by Wan Hung Lo "Tomcat's Revenge" by Claude Ballz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allan Faust Posted February 10, 2009 Report Share Posted February 10, 2009 So that you don't go nuts at work every day, here are a few helpful tasks; 1. On your lunch hour, park your car, put on sunglasses, and point a hair dryer at the other cars passing.... count HOW MANY slow down.... 2. Call yourself on the intercom, and don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they'd like fries with that.... 4. Put decaf in the coffee machine at work during 3 weeks... then when everyone has gotten over the withdrawal symptoms, change the coffee for Expresso.... 5. In the memo area of your cheques write: For: Marijuana 6. Hop about in the corridor instead of walking, and notice how many people look at you funny.... 7. In the restaurant, when going out with friends or collegues, ask seriously for Diet Water. 8. When you go through the drive through at a fast food restaurant, order "TO GO" 9. When the money comes out of the ATM machine at a bank, cry out "I won, I won" 10. When leaving the zoo, run to the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives, they are all out of their cages...." 11. Tell your kids at suppertime that because of the economic crisis, we will have to sell one of them..... 12. At the pharmacy, pick up a box of condoms and go to the counter and ask where the fitting rooms are.... That is what is called THERAPY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinlizzy Posted February 14, 2009 Report Share Posted February 14, 2009 New one on T.V. last nite you can't saw sawdust. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niel Hoback Posted February 15, 2009 Report Share Posted February 15, 2009 When you break a crumb in half, you have two whole crumbs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobT-47P15 Posted February 16, 2009 Report Share Posted February 16, 2009 Apparently they must not have such silly one-liners in Finland. Fireball said early on that he does not understand them; 'Seems to be something that an foreigner can't participate, I have no idea what this is all about. In other words, me stupid me no understand" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty dan Posted February 16, 2009 Report Share Posted February 16, 2009 My favorite from Youngman... My wife treats me like a King! (here King...here King!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Coatney Posted February 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2009 When you break a crumb in half, you have two whole crumbs. That is exactly how I have found my way home several nights. Follow the crumb trail I cleverly left while sober:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Coatney Posted March 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 When I was born, I was given a choice - A big thingie or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Flanagan Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Have you ever noticed how on those fishing shows, they always release the fish after catching him? They don't want to eat him, but they do want to make him late for something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Coatney Posted May 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 8, 2013 We all need a good laugh so back to the top once again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
48Dodger Posted May 8, 2013 Report Share Posted May 8, 2013 When I was born, I was given a choice - A big thingie or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose. HAHAHA......wait...what was I laughing about? 48D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Coatney Posted August 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2016 Back to the top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!" Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. He asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niel Hoback Posted August 17, 2016 Report Share Posted August 17, 2016 I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid, but I can stop anytime. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niel Hoback Posted August 18, 2016 Report Share Posted August 18, 2016 Someone stole all the toilet seats at the police station. Detectives have nothing to go on. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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